Perils Of A Krishnan Girl

I couldn’t sleep last tonite..hardly got 3 hours and I start school in a day. Going back to school today tho. I prefer blogging here because not so many people read this blog, or even if they do, they aren’t completely random ppl. But generally, I just don’t think a lot of ppl read here. So, yes. Why bother blogging if you don’t want anyone to read? …A sense of expressing without really wanting the whole world to know ..just writing to the complete emptiness of the cyber world seems appealing to me.

Tonight we went out. Steph and I..later with the guys.. Talking to her, made me realize that I miss being important in someone’s life. And that maybe the ‘right’ person hasn’t been so right after all. Perhaps it’s a whole cosmic way of rationalizing my very questionable behaviour towards my love life the past 6 months. What did I hope to achieve anyway? Did I think that if that part of my life fell into place, that I’ll magically be happy?..I’m a control freak. I try to control everything and everyone that I know but that’s who ppl know me as…..right?

I just read my first two paragraphs and the time and realized how lifeless I am. it is 6.26am.

What I wrote on the beach at OBS after the kayaking is still..and I’ve a gut feeeling will always be true. However, I must not, must not, MUST NOT! …be stupid.

ohmmm…ohmmmm…ohmmmm…I …will …not…be…a…whiny…emo…:)

okok, I’ve to go pretend to wake up in two hours like I had a whole 7 hours of sleep!! yay!! *thick with sarcasm

Its a messy thing, relationships, either way you affected.

You know, reason I’ve always hated it, the beginnings always seem effortless, then u get to the middle, and its like, hmm..this is getting a bit tiresome, and then, comes the ..fuck it..no more..

So I figure, whats the point..anyway..*BEEP* ..everytime u think u’re over smtg..ur not.

Ah, thing is..its harder letting go.. Well thats one thing I’ve nv known how to do…I hope I learn soon tho..coz the alternative wud be me sinking into emo world..LOL.

ahh well. i dunno if it made sense to you, but it meant a hell lot to me. XD

Last night I woke up at 3a.m. didn’t go back to bed until 6. Reason? College. Bubba isn’t around so I had no one to call and whine to. So I figured I might as well let it out in a blog XD.

It is a big step for me and I guess for all of us who are going for the Jan intake. It just hit me that I’ll have to be incredibly independant. Parents won’t be there, and most importantly, Maria won’t be there. Oh God, the more I think about it, the more i dread it. Partly because I’ve no idea if I’ll be able to stick it out alone, doing my own bedsheets, washing my own clothes, sharing bathrooms, eating cafeteria food everyday.

I was talking to my uncle Gino ytd, he was so worried about me going, because he knows that I’m not very good at taking care of myself, as far as the domesticated part goes. He reminded me again and again, leave the LV behind, and the Enzios. haihh..I asked him what would happen if I cudn’t do it and came back, he said, you’ll be the laughing stock of the family. Amazing family see.LOL.

Anyhoo, I’ve no idea why I’m so negative..need to be more positive. I mean whats the worst that could happen? No clean clothes and bed sheets, I’ve lived with worse. XD. Thing is tho, I think everyone in my family expected me to follow tradition and stay in the KL house and study and Taylors or smtg and then go overseas. I think it was a surprise when I wanted boarding. ahh welllll.. We all need change.hehe.

Another worry of course is, will I make friends, will I be able to cope with the subjects, but all that is only a small part of my worry. Mostly is whether I’m able to take care of myself in there.

" The beauty of tomorrow is unacknowledged by most people. How rich, how poor, how ill educated, how botox-injected, everyone moves from one day to the next when they witness the dawn of a new day. The same sun shines on all of us the next day, making it a little warmer, and giving us a little more hope. Reminding us again how insignificant one is, subsequently provoking the idea of humility to us, humble subjects of the universe." - A little part of an essay I wrote.

I’ve been thinking about this essay of mine quite frequently since after writing it. Lately I’ve also been browsing a lot of blogs which speak of profound beauty that catches ur breath, and for a small moment, make you believe and envy the portrayal of the kind of beauty that you wished you might have witnessed or possessed.

I am a believer of beauty, right to the very core of its meaning. I’ve heard many, slandering the fashion world, accusing many women and some men for embracing the idea of being beautiful on the surface. I’ve pondered on it, what I’ve come down to is, that beauty is beauty, whether on the surface or the inside, it is an art.

Whether of course which means more is an all together different question. I appreciate people who take beauty seriously, who take the time to care for it, to nurture it. Be it on the inside or outside. We all have to admit, we flock to beautiful things, including ppl, there is an attraction which spell binds and arouses us. For most however, immediately after the fascination comes the envy, then the picking of faults.

Whatever it may be, to me, music and fashion is the greatest art of this generation, it is expression, it is history being made and those at the front lines of it will be remembered. As the appreciation of frescoes and portraits slowly loses it popularity to the masses, artists of this generation should be given the same acknowledgment. Why William Shakespeare? Why not Tupac Shakur? It is the same beauty of our time. Tupac may very well be the only lyricist that I’ve truly admired since I was seven. My point is beauty is beauty, why is it that only certain kinds of beauty find immortality with people.

And then, there are little things, like the essay I wrote, about tomorrow. As I wrote it, I felt such grief in what I was writing, partly because as I was writing there was a sense humility , a part that was wondering, ‘gee, do I really believe in all that I’m writing?’ and also ‘my god stephanie you are indeed the master of bullshit’. After that of course, I started to remember simpler days where beauty was never questioned, just accepted. So why now do I question everything, I blame it on a lot. In the end tho, it has brought me to this, writing a blog about what to me is beauty, and also finding a new appreciation of the beauties of the world, that has..always been there.

p.s I’m listening to The Corrs again after so long. love them.

    Just got back from New Zealand after a very tiring and long of a week and a half. I dunno if its just me, but whenever i go travelling, i spend a lot of time thinking. lol. Bubba says ppl like me spend too much time thinking, which i guess is true, I get sleep deprived because I lay awake thinking about very random but at the time seemingly important scenarios. Apparently its an ‘only child syndrome’, haha yet to know whether its’ proven tho.

NEHOO, getting on to more interesting a more intriguing topic, my ‘get to know NZ all over again trip’ was at the beginning almost a disaster(i thought!). However, after settling in Auckland for a while, got used to it and the place really grew on me. Day One when we arrived, first thing i noticed was the abundance of Asians.LOL.sorry but, in my head it was like *mmm, was there a great migration i wasn’t aware of?*. I thought England was bad, but yea, Auckland wins the prize for the abundance of Asians, not that its a bad thing of course *grins*, just did not expect it.

So, in Auckland, we met up with Uncle Vinod and Aunty Maggy, very nice folks, enjoyed their company although the main topics of discussion at the dinner table and after were on our soap opera of malaysian politics. It is interesting tho, to hear very diverse and i think quite refreshing p.o.v’s about the country’s politics from ppl that have migrated for about twenty years. Also, in Auckland, the only part of the half day city tour i enjoyed thoroughly was the boat ride. An American bloke and I were the only ones on the deck because it was too darn cold for the old folks, hence i think there was possibly a silent competition between us to see who could brave the cold and strong winds on the deck. Of course I won in the end, he put up his hood.and i didn’t. haha. stoopid BUT WELL. was fun enough at the time. hehe.

   Wellington! my birth place,when we first arrived while still on the plane, I was really awwed by the beauty of the place, honestly, ppl know i dun get awwed easily, i mean, i get stunned but not awwed, there’s a difference. Right, so if ur wondering what it looks like, try to imagine the OC exept, that its not that warm.lol. Well while we were there, we met up with Aunty Sue, Uncle Arvinder, Uncle Isaacs, Aunty Chumkil. They were my parent’s best friends while we lived in Welly those days, used to gamble and throw awesome bashes.(altho its sorta hard to imagine my parents young).hehe. Well, when they saw me, they claimed to be my real family because my extended family didn’t see me until I got back here and they were the first to see me. I had fun tho, them telling me about my dad when he was young, apparently he was quite a charmer.haha.

Also in wellington we met up with a Dr. Patrick who was at V.U with my dad and used to be neighbours, very nice guy. Very much a kiwi, loves his peacefulness of the country and such. Oh, and i made two friends on the trip, Soniya and Samantha, well at least i made some young friends.haha. ooooo!! I FORGOT to tell, most interesting thing that happened, Uncle Isaacs took us to Mount Vict. and 12am, it was more than awesome!!! what was even more exciting was on the climb up, they switched off the lights, and we were the only one there, so, as usual, u know me, imagining a vamp battle in my head.lol.

After wellington we headed on down to Christchurch and Queenstown, I wasn’t a huge fan of these two places, just because, I was already dreadfully tired and missing my mamak mee goreng.lol. I get cranky when i’m not fed with food of my liking. All in all, was good trip, got to see my old houses again, in Adams Terrace and Pattoni(both in Wellington). Must say tho, I enjoy this holiday the most, partly because I got to go back and also I’ve never really seen my parents this happy and youthful before, meeting up with the close friends and hanging out with them. They seemed on a high, especially Dad, cause I think he was really close to Uncle Isaacs and he did very much enjoy himself. 

p.s I did miss my friends very much. Which of coz prompted me to keep buying stuff for them. ah well. i love spending money on ppl i love.hehe.

     Fung Sui Lun Lao Juin.

If you havan’t any idea what it means, find out. If you do know what it means, keep it in mind. I find it to be very true.

peace.

   Last night, someone told me that I don’t seem like the sensitive type.

   Just because I don’t let most of my emotions show in public doesn’t mean that I don’t bloody feel anything.

    True, I don’t like mushy stuff, but it doesn’t mean that I’m the ice queen.

     I don’t like certain ppl, not because I’m a hypocrite, but I just don’t feel like pretending to like someone is correct. More, if u’re not genuine.

     Unlike most ppl, I don’t care about having ppl liking me or not, because I appreciate genuine ppl. So if u’re not genuine, fuck off.

     Another point, I’m not revengeful, I just don’t forgive and forget, its not something I do. I also don’t believe in appologies.

     I remember everything, anyone has ever done to me. Good and bad. I admit that. Not because I want to have revenge or what not. But more to remind myself that these are ppl to draw boundaries around.

      Forgiveness is overrated. I don’t forgive, I don’t accept apologies and I don’t try and understand. At the end of the day, it is what it is..I don’t apologise, i only admit that i’ve done wrong, because if u really knew u were gonna be sorry in the first place, u wudn’t have done whatever u did.

     I also hate when ppl try to create excuses. If u’ve fucked up, just i say ‘I fucked up’. Which is gains so much more respect than ‘actually..actually ar..this is what happened..’

       I have no idea why I’m writing this blog, but a phone conversation last nite got me thinking the whole night about various things. Its frustrating..and its painful..needed an outlet to set some things straight.

Today was supposed to be a very happy day..I was looking forward to school and my friends after such a long merdeka holiday that was extremely boring..50th merdeka..psfftt..i spent the better part of the eve and the morning sleeping..didn’t really get into the whole mood..lol..

Anyhoo, my alarm rang at 4am this morning, and as usual I was like ‘5 more minutes pleaseee’..and lol..only awoke at 5, so jumped outta bed and went to wash up. Did some last minute tidying up for my Add Math Papers that is due this morning.

At 7, went downstairs, put on my socks, grab some Ritz and started muching away to the car. Got in the car, as Zul was reversing outta the car porch, I realized I forgot my Metriks Card, so asked him to drive back in. Then, suddenly, there was this HUGE HUGE HUGE pain in my foot. dun laugh la..yoh.. omg the pain was so bad that tears were like coming outta the side of my eyes. So I leaned forward praying to god that my foot was still there.

At first I was just grabbing my foot, then i felt something moving beneath my socks, so I peeled back the top of my socks..and guess what I saw… A BLOODY BEE..dude like seriously, the last i wudda expected this morning was a f-ing bee stinging me..LIKE HELLO!..

So, I whacked it..and it died on my foot, with its pointy ass sticking inside the upper part of my right foot. Then, my driver, in all my pain, was as stoic as the bloody renaissance statue. He was like nothing happened even though i yelled. If I had the bat..that dude would be dead, and to think I didn’t tell on him with all the speeding and ignoring red lights. Oh well, luckily, Maria came to the rescue, she opened the door, helped me out.

Then, daddy came downstairs half awake to see why i haven’t left for school yet. When he saw my swelling foot, he got a shock..muahahahaha! sorry la..but u had to be there to see his face. Anyhoo, Maria showed dad the bee it was about an inch long. So then he started worrying whether it was poisonous or not, and I was worried cause Steph Lim’s add math papers were with me(mrs.lee said that she’s demerit ppl who didn’t pass today). so then it was like 7.10 ady, had no choice so i called Mrs. Boey to tell steph that i wun be coming to school but i’d have the papers delievered to her.

Then mummy came down, another one got a shock about the bee..and my parents started debating on whether to go the the hosp or not, cause daddy had to go to KL. Well anyhoo, mom called Dr. Suhaimi, he said to go to A&E in Putra. So we went. I GOT A TETANUS INJECTION THAT STILL HURTS LIKE A B*T*H. As i’m typing this, I still can’t lift my left arm cause of the injection. IT STILL HURTS!!! Feels so weird tho, i’m moving my fingers but not my arms.

To add to all that, I haven’t been able to eat properly the past few days because I have an ulcer that for SOME REASON got worse today. Rite now, my jaw feels numb cause mummy put medicine on my ulcer, my arm hurts cause of the injection, and my bloody foot is super sensitive cause of the sting. If this is God’s way of a joke. haha. dude, not funny.

Alright, so I guess today qualifies as a blue monday, many more to come, but ahhh..todays’ special. I’m in pain in the mouth, arm and foot. wakakaka!! quite the experience tho. Less dramatic than last year, but still, kinda fun in all this pain..lord..i’m starting to sound like Ash..oh well..tata!!

Well, this week has been a long holiday, I’ve been sleeping less and less.Hmm this always happen nearing the exams. It sucks. LOL. Anyhoo, what have been doing this hols? Other than the studying(which is just so mundane), been watching movies, DVDs that were begging for me to play them, and who am I to deny them that. XD!

One movie that stuck this past few days and that I can’t get outta my head is Infamous, not exactly a biography, but I would say a story, yes, a story about Copote. I’ve always heard his brialliant writing, altho my dad strongly disagrees to that. I’ve never heard of his story. If you have a chance, watch it. It good, but for those faint hearted ppl, maybe not.

If you don’t know him, he’s the one who wrote Breakfast At Tiffany’s. However, this flim revolves around the time when he wrote In Cold Blood, a non fiction story about two prisoners who grusomely killed a family of three. The flim depicts his ‘relationships’, well thats what i think, with Harper Lee and the killers.

I fell in love with the flim not only because it had the glitterati of that era, but more because of Toby Jone’s very polished acting and such a fine potrayal of Truman Capote, honestly, i can’t imagine anyone else in Hollywood that can carry so well the aire of Truman. The voice, the mind, the speech, it was flawless. Watching him, was an experience.

Well, if u have the time, watch it, it really is worth your while. On a lighter note tho, Sigourney Weaver in this movie was an eye-opener, well because, after Aliens, I never would have imagine her a poised socialite in Infamous.

tata!

Sup ppl..wakakaka!! for some awkward reason, after being majorly pissed off this morning in Dataran at 8 in the morning..I am now super hyped! wakaka!! So, now, ester is messaging me abt doing my sej nota which some ppl forgot to even give me until last nite..

The time now is 11:09AM, i am freaking restless, and doing multiple things at once. thats is chatting on msn, sms-ing and typing a blog..wahhh..lets see lets see, i’m been rambling since last nite abt multiple things, oh well..i dunno why i’m so jittery this weekend, but i am and no, it isn’t PMS.

Okay, so story telling time la eh. First of all, i’m quite happy that my physics isn’t all that shitty wakakaka..did the 2005 past year..and it was not bad, not bad at all ..okok..not gonna blow my own horn anymore..*slaps self, MOLLY!WHATISWRONGWITCHU!!..ahh well just the usual stress and nerves and not getting proper sleep and thinking too much abt things that dun matter besides thinking that school is a total waste of time now that i’ve retired(sorry but its true to me la).

Okay, so smtg just came to mind that i remembered i was supposed to like blog abt on Friday but i forgot. So rite, PRS had the edu fair in our school and like all the colleges came to promote their own thing bla bla bla. So anyhoo, Sharon asked me to take this quiz by Life College and basically, its like u take the test, the person will evaluate it, and tell u what career is most suited for you. Anyway i thought no harm because i ady made up mind.

ANYHOO!.. guess what the person told me..stephanie, ur first choice in career should be smtg to do with Finance. damn. u shudda seen the look on my face. i was flabbergasted. She was like Law is fine, but second choice, the person kept harping on the Finance thing till i almost got brainwashed and started having doubts. ish man hate ppl like that. actually i was fine, on friday, but today, feng shui changed, so i’m not fine.

basically.anyone who thinks i can’t be a lawyer can walk over my dead body and burn in hell and meet ma pal lucifer.